It wasn’t a complete artistic drought this past year but it took a potentially life altering medical health scare to get a couple drawings out of me. I drew these pages in between spraining my knee last year and having to deal with the idea that I could potentially have Diabetes last March. Continue reading
I remember doing this one podcast with The Artista Review on a breezy December evening of 2015. It’s been a while and there were so many things that I’ve said that I disagree with now- (I digress). At one point in the show, I was asked what was next for me. I laughed and joked, “I don’t know? I just had a boyfriend. I’m really really happy. I don’t think I’d be making personal work for a long while.”
That was almost two years ago. Not to say I haven’t been drawing. That’s my job; and I do practice. But when it comes to my autobiographical work, I have always struggled with finding motivation that wasn’t about navigating through chaos.
I was 20 when I first considered really illustrating as a passion. I was young and going through a traumatic breakup. I also had no idea where my career was going at that point. Drawing and creating became a coping mechanism that eased a lot of my anxieties in that rough time. I drifted between work and going back to school. In between those pockets of history were pages of work that somehow had a glimmer of consistency that became my “style”? And it was pretty hard to stray from that once my art had a specific voice and tone.
People have different motivations for making art. Some people have a love for world building while others have fallen for the academic aspect of capturing life. Those goals have a more tangible metric for figuring out whether or not you’re getting better at what you’re doing. My motivations for personal work, however, are about being able to express myself. I guess the would be metric for that would be authenticity? But I won’t really know what that looks like until I get to the end result. (And yet, how will I ever get to the result if I haven’t even started?)
And that’s where my problem lies- my issues get sorted out faster than I can ever need to visually process them. There was no need to make art in order to fix myself. The worst thing to happen to me this year was that I went through a Medical scare that would have changed my life. Even then, my partner is an efficient and caring sort of person. He guided me through it and I bounced back with a plan very quickly without needing to artistically internalize the situation.
I’m getting older and wiser by the year, and that only means that my problems would only be more swiftly dealt with as time goes by. And I refuse to cannibalize my angst just for the sake of making something. It’s just not healthy to needlessly go through one conflict after another just to scrape whatever insight there is to find. I want to believe in something. I want to have conviction in what I do.
A part of me is really scared? I know that this journey would mean that I’d be posting a lot of work that doesn’t feel quite right but I want to be open about this and try out a lot of different things. I’m also inclined to write about my trips and what I’ve been doing at home. Maybe in talking about my home life, my politics, or my travels- I would be able to find what I’m looking for.